I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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