Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
