Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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