Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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