pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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