i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
