You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
