Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
