its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
