Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
