my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
