Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
