My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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