Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
