It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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