Swine flu. Run for my life!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
