this just has baby written all over it
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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