GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
