the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
