Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
