Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
