I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
