I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
