Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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