Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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