I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
