I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
