1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
