we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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