he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
