I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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