Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
