I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
