So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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