Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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