i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
