I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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