Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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