God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
