I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
