Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
