you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
