My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
