so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
