I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
