My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
