this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
