yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
