I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
