My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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