Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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