Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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