So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
